


Honest Reality

by Self_Indulgent_TMNT



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Homosexuality, M/M, Queer Raphael, Reader-Insert, Realising Sexuality, Romance, Swearing, lgbtq+ reader, male reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2020-05-31 08:57:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19422709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Self_Indulgent_TMNT/pseuds/Self_Indulgent_TMNT
Summary: Raph had never taken time to think about sexuality, but somehow in his mind he'd sort of assumed he was straight. Meeting a drunk, lost guy in the middle of the night should not have changed that. But he didn't want to just slip back into the shadows and go back to pretending he wasn't real. Someone should know he existed. He deserved that, didn't he?For your part, meeting him had changed the world, which wasn’t fair. Because now the world made absolutely no sense at all. How could giant, mutant, talking, fighting turtles exist? How could they be nice and gentle and kind?





	1. One Cold Night

Meeting him had changed the world, which wasn't fair. Because before him the world had made complete and utter sense. Before him skies were grey every single day and hope was always so far out of reach, such a long way over the horizon that you forgot it had ever been there at all. Before him the world was all empty possibilities and the only ones that held any promise at all were the painfully normal ones. Life was average and always would be and you just tried not to stop long enough to think about how not ok that is.  
Then you met him. One confusing night that span out of all control you found yourself alone in the wrong part of town. Ok so maybe you’d had a couple of drinks but honestly who knew it was so easy to get lost in New York (maybe a slightly more sober you could have come up with the clear Home Alone 2 joke but now really wasn’t the time). And who knew it was so simple to find yourself being mugged? A drunk, alone, lost guy surely wasn’t such an obvious target?  
Ok maybe you’d had a drink or two too many. But you didn’t have time to understand what was happening before a couple of people you hadn’t noticed before were pulling out knives. God knows what told your legs to turn and run, but you did it. And ran straight into a third guy. You staggered back, the guy didn’t budge. This wasn’t good.  
You were painfully aware of the fact that your wallet was not well secured on your person (it also had no money in it, that had gone on fried food at the bar, and was the reason you were now walking home rather than in a nice, presumably safe, cab) and could so easily be swiped, with an added knife in your side to boot. The impact from your collision sent you falling to the pavement, ankle twisting underneath you and dragging a cry from your throat. That was the cry that saved you. It alerted the shadow on the rooftop to look down and see that lost, alone, drunk and now bruised guy sitting on the pavement with little choice but to accept his fate.  
You didn’t see the first guy go down, it happened so quickly. The other two went quickly enough, too. Your phone, which you didn’t realise had been swiped upon impact with the third guy, was pressed back into your hand and skin that couldn’t have been human brushed yours as it did so. Someone was behind you, dragging you up to your feet and trying to right you on them, but as soon as weight went onto your ankle you cried out.  
The person holding you up let out a sound between a sigh and a growl. “You just had to hurt yourself, didn’t you?”  
You finally found a second to process a thought. “What? Who the fuck are you?”  
You tried to battle against the hands holding you up, tried to spin around to see them, but just sent yourself tumbling back to the pavement.  
“If you’d just been able to walk, we could have parted ways and tomorrow you’d have forgotten all about this. But no, now I gotta make sure you get home safe”  
“Who are you?”  
You rolled over onto your back, looking up at the source of the voice.  
A giant green person stood there. With scaly skin. And a shell. And weapons shoved in a belt and a red mask over his face.  
Well that was unexpected.  
“Turtle?”  
You had only meant to think that bit.  
The… thing (?) smirked.  
“Very observant”  
“Not turtle?”  
The thing nodded again. “Turtle. Mutant turtle. You’re welcome”  
“Thank you?”  
He grinned now, clearly laughing at you. “Better. Why aren’t you freaked out?”  
Why weren’t you freaked out?  
Your subconscious didn’t run the answer past you before blurting it out. “I’m clearly drunk” you told the turtle.  
“Hi clearly drunk, I’m Raphael”  
“Fuck off”, you made another attempt to get to your feet, before your ankle dictated that wasn’t going to happen.  
“Stop, stop, you’ll just hurt yourself more” Raphael said, closing the distance between you in one small step and picking you up, stabilising you on your one good leg while leaning on him.  
“You’re nice” you said, a sentence which couldn’t adequately convey the complex mixture of gratitude and relief you felt at having been saved by a monster.  
“You’re drunk”  
“No, no, I’m just… Look, thank you”  
“Don’t mention it. Where do you live? I can’t just leave you immobile on the street”  
You told him your address.  
“Jeeze, you really are drunk, you are nowhere near home”  
“I’m not just drunk, I’m also lost”  
“You can say that again”  
“I’m not just drunk, I’m-”  
“Oh very funny. I can’t get you that far without being spotted, can you call a cab?”  
You shook your head. “No money. Phone’s dead”  
He blinked at you. “You’re a mess”  
“And you’re a giant talking turtle”  
“Touché”  
He seemed to think for a moment before sighing. “I can get you a ride, but you better end up curing cancer or solving starvation or something ‘cause I am gonna get in so much trouble when they find out I’m out by myself”  
“They?”  
Raph led you over to a low wall nearby so you could sit down. “Just stay there, k? I gotta ring someone”  
He didn’t wait for a response, already pulling out a phone and bringing it to his ear. You couldn’t make out the muffled conversation going on but you got the odd word on Raphael’s end and he didn’t seem happy.  
“I know…… no need to…….look the dude’s….. Just bring…….. I’m a bit exposed here y’know…….. do this later, please……. See ya soon”  
He turned back to you. You did your best to look meek. “I’ve caused a problem”  
“Just a bit”  
“I’m sorry. I’m good at causing problems”  
“Don’t worry about it, I am too”  
He smiled at you. Not the smirk from earlier, or the grin where he was laughing at you. This was a proper smile. It suited him, in a weird sort of way. Because everything good about a mutant turtle is in a weird sort of way.  
“Am I gonna wake up tomorrow and realise this was all a dream?”  
“Hopefully”  
“Hopefully?”  
“It’s probably better for your sanity you forget about all this. Giant talking turtles don’t fit in well with most people’s world view”  
“That sucks”  
“You saying you’d rather remember this?”  
“That’s not what I meant, I meant it sucks for you”  
“Oh.” He went quiet.  
It was your turn to offer him a smile. “Not a lot of people say that, eh?”  
“Well let’s just say they’re not queuing up at the door to offer their condolences”  
His phone bleeped and he looked down. “That’s our ride”  
“What kind of ride can a- well shit”  
You had begun to ask what kind of ride a giant turtle could swing at whatever time of night it was when some form of truck sped around the corner. It looked like maybe it had once been a garbage truck but those days were long in its past. The thing screeched to a halt next to you and Raphael scooped you up and bundled you inside, dumping you on a chair.  
There was another turtle in the truck, this one with a purple mask on, and he gave Raphael a stern look. Your rescuer told his friend your address and slumped into another seat. He glanced over to you. “This is my brother, Donnie”  
“Pleased to meet you. I’m Y/N” you said.  
“Charmed” Donnie replied, although he was making a point of looking at the road and only the road. The rest of the journey was painfully silent until you pulled up by your apartment block. You started to clamber to your feet, but a word from your driver stopped you.  
“Wait”  
You waited.  
“Raph says you hurt your ankle”  
“Yeah”  
“Let me have a look at it”  
You glanced to Raph, who nodded. “Donnie’s pretty good at this stuff”  
“Um, ok then”  
It was an odd experience having a giant turtle look at, prod and then bandage your ankle. But hey, this evening had gone to weird a while ago.  
“You’ll be fine. Try not to walk too much for a couple of days”  
“Might be kind of difficult, considering I live in an apartment 5 floors up, but ok”  
“I’ll take you up” Raph said, getting out of his seat.  
You pretended the relief that flooded you was just about not having to drag yourself to your flat and not about not having to say goodbye yet. Donnie was glaring at Raphael, who shot a stern look back.  
“No one’s gonna see me, Donnie. And if they do, I’ll say we were at a costume party”  
Donnie looked over at you. “He’s not in a costume”  
“He’s off his face, no one’s gonna question him losing his costume”  
Donnie took a moment then nodded once. “Alright. Don’t hang around”  
“I won’t”  
You were swept off the seat and into strong arms before you could ask any questions. You looked at the turtle, confused.  
“I’m not helping you hobble five floors, this is quicker”  
“There’s a lift”  
“Yeah but anyone who’s out at this time is gonna be using that, aren’t they?”  
He made a fair point. You didn’t resist, allowing this strange creature to carry you. Being in his arms felt strangely secure. He could have crushed you easy as anything, but instead he’d gone out of his way to look after you, make sure you were safe.  
“Monsters get a bad rap” you mumbled as he started carrying you up the empty, semi-dark stairwell.  
“What?”  
“What?”  
You opened your eyes, which you weren’t totally aware had been closed, to see him smirking down at you, not for the first time that evening.  
“You didn’t mean to say that did you?”  
“Say what?”  
“You really are a mess”  
“And you’re nice”  
“So you said”  
Your eyes slipped closed again and you let yourself relax into being carried. It felt good, and you couldn’t help but imagine what it would feel like under better circumstances. An image of falling asleep in front of the TV and being carried semi-aware to bed by strong arms played in your head. The fact that the arms were reptilian made no difference to the fantasy. You relished in the dream until Raph shook you a little, stopping you slipping fully into sleep.  
“Which number’s yours?”  
“You asking for my number?”  
“Which is your apartment, idiot”  
“Oh. One at the end”  
It was surprising how quietly Raph could move for such a large person, but he barely made a sound as he made his way down the hall. You stuck your hand in your pocket, producing a key.  
“It’s a miracle, I half-expected you to have lost the bloody thing” Raph said.  
“Shut up” you spat back, reaching down from your position in his arms to ram the key in the keyhole and let the two of you into your apartment.  
“Alright, where’s your bed? I don’t know that I trust you to even get that far on your own”  
“Ye of little faith. I could do it”  
“Sure. Now tell me where to go”  
You reached over to the light switch, illuminating your living room/kitchen, relieved to notice it wasn’t too messy. You pointed at your bedroom door, half-open. “Over there”  
It was kind of sad how few steps it took Raph to cross your small living space, tapping your bedroom door with his foot to let the two of you in. You reached over to the light switch again. Once there was light, Raph carefully placed you on the bed. You’d half-expected him to dump you. The gentleness was stark contrast with his size and strength. He looked down at you.  
“Well, it was nice meeting you, Y/N. I hope we never meet again”  
He turned to leave but for some reason you couldn’t let him go.  
“Wait!”  
He turned back to you, questioning.  
You were scrambling for something in your bedside drawers, a pen and paper. You scribbled a number on it, your phone number, and thrust it at him.  
“Don’t let me forget this tomorrow. I don’t want this to be a dream”  
“You’re better off if it is”  
You shook your head. “If this is a dream then tomorrow will be just as normal as yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. I want this to be real, I want you to be real. I want there to be something extraordinary and good in this world”  
Raph stared for a moment too long. “You’re drunk. Drink some water, get some sleep”  
And he was gone.

The next day, between fighting a hangover and trying to work out how to move without upsetting your busted ankle, you found a note on the fridge, scrawled on the back of an old envelope you’d left on the kitchen counter.  
‘Who’s to say dreams ain’t real?’  
You stared at it, confused for a moment, trying to remember having written it but failing. Then it hit you. The only other person who’d been there.  
Giant turtles who save people. It was real.  
Crap, that changed everything.

Like I said, meeting him had changed the world, which wasn’t fair. Because now the world made absolutely no sense at all. How could giant, mutant, talking, fighting turtles exist? How could they be nice and gentle and kind?  
You glanced out the window. He was out there somewhere, him and god knew what else. The sky was grey but now it was full of possibilities. And because he existed it meant life was extraordinary, or at least could be. Hope was there, drifting just past your frozen fingertips as you stood in your boring little apartment in the abyss of normality and wondered if maybe this world had a lot more to it than you’d ever given it credit for. There were too many possibilities, anything could happen, anything could exist.  
The world was so extraordinary and your life was so very average and for the first time you stopped long enough to think about how not ok that is.


	2. Real

Raph had barely listened to Donatello’s lecture on the way home. Blah blah blah team blah blah blah recognised blah blah blah dangerous. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t heard before and he was not in the mood for it. He grunted along, insisting he knew everything Donnie was saying. He wasn’t sorry at all. That guy had needed help, Raph had helped, and that was the end of the matter. As always.  
He didn’t mention to his brother the crumpled piece of paper crushed in his fist with the scrawled number on it. He didn’t mention the message he’d left the guy in his own scrawl.  
He clung to that number the whole ride home, kept it with him as he crawled into bed and gave up on the day, falling asleep with it still in his grasp. He didn’t know why, but he had to keep it close.

Dawn came and went, the day slipped by slowly and Raph didn’t stir. Time of day hardly matters when you live underground. It was just before 1 o’clock in the afternoon when he finally opened his eyes, sat up and swung himself out of bed. Something crunched under his foot as he stood up. A piece of paper. The blissful peace sleep had brought fell away and he remembered. He picked it up, stared at the number. Stared for longer than he should have. He didn’t know why.  
Or maybe he did know.  
Maybe he was sick of saving people and slipping away and by the next day just being a fragment of imagination, a dream, a shadow.  
The guy last night hadn’t wanted that for him.  
Sure, he was completely hammered, but Raph remembered the way you’d scrambled through your draw for the stationary, the feverish way you’d scribbled your number. And the terrifying earnestness in your eyes as you’d thrust it into his hand and begged not to forget. Even from a drunk person he couldn’t shrug that off. He’d never in his life seen anyone as serious as you had been as you burbled away about wanting him to be real, how you wanted to remember.  
Raph wanted to be remembered. He was suddenly so very tired, so very sick of being a nothing. He wanted more than this life, more than hiding and pretending to never have been there at all.  
Raph wanted to be real.  
He was typing in that number before he even thought about it, hands shaking as he tapped in each digit and prayed you hadn’t written it wrong. He stared at the screen while it rang, listening to the repetitive bleep as it rang out. Then the beeps stopped, the phone crackled and a voice sounded from it.  
“Hello?”  
Raph nearly dropped his phone.  
“Hello?” your voice sounded again.  
“Um, hi”  
“Can I help you?”  
“I-I’m. My name’s Raphael. I dunno if you remember but I’m the guy who saved your dumb ass last night and you gave me your number and-”  
“You really are real!”  
“I am. Or at least I wanna be”  
“What?”  
“You’re supposed to forget me or never see me or think you dreamed me but you didn’t, everyone else does but you didn’t. I’m not real to anyone but my own family. I wanna be real”  
“Woah man, slow down. Are you ok?”  
No. No he wasn’t. And he didn’t know why he was talking on the phone to this stranger or why he was feeling these things but-  
“Raphael?”  
“Wha- uh, yeah”  
“Liar”  
“Just… Look, don’t forget me, ok?”  
You were silent for a very uncomfortable moment. He was about to hang up, forget the whole thing, when your voice sounded through again.  
“Wanna come over?”  
“What?”  
“I owe you a hell of a lot. Remembering you exist is the least I can do, second least is inviting you around for a hot drink. I’m gonna go for third least: takeaway at my place? Tonight. Let’s say 6”  
“I…”  
“What? You busy? Your schedule full of being a giant fucking mutant business?”  
“No”  
“Great. 6 it is. You remember where I live?”  
“Yeah, but-”  
“I’ve got a fire escape leads down to an ally by my building, I’ll leave the window open for you”

You hung up the call before either you or Raph could change your mind.


	3. A Long Story

The next few hours were a wonderful confusion of panic and pride. Pride that you’d actually had the courage to ask the guy round, and panic that you now had to deal with the reality of that. Your hangover was suddenly in the back of your mind, your painful ankle a mere annoyance as you staggered around trying to clean and calm yourself.  
And then he’s at your window and hangover? What hangover? Because there was a giant mutant turtle at your window and for some unknown reason you’d invited it for tea. You felt sick. You felt excited. You realised you were standing there like a lemon staring at the window.  
Deep breath, stay calm, open the window.  
And he looked just as scared as you.  
“Um hi” you managed to force out.  
“Hey”  
“Come on in”  
He clambered through the window, inelegant but successful. And then he was standing in your living room.  
He didn’t look great. Shifting from one foot to the other, looking anywhere and nowhere. He looked exactly as he felt: closed, furtive, broken. That was what reminded you how to speak, because you couldn’t be intimidated by someone who was clearly at a low point and just desperate for some relief.  
“You’re a mess man”  
“You’re hungover”  
You glance down at your own somewhat disheveled state.  
“Fair play”  
Silence took hold again. It felt awkward, which was probably fair considering the situation. You were strangers, for one thing, not to mention all the other factors that were wildly unusual. Finally you cut across the pause.  
“Thank you, for letting me remember”  
“I didn’t do it for you”  
That shot down your attempt at breaking the awkward. You swallowed, painfully aware of the sound it made in the silence between you.  
“I was thinking pizza?” you offered.  
“What?”  
“Food. Thought we could order a pizza, or maybe one each so we can each get the toppings we want”  
“Oh. Yeah. Yeah that sounds amazing”  
“Alright then”  
You flopped down on the sofa, telling him to feel free to do the same as you scrolled through the pizza site on your phone. There was a two-for-one deal on stuffed crust, which seemed too good to pass up. Sorting out ordering way too much food filled the silence for a few minutes, it provided something easy to talk about when you had literally nothing else to discuss. The familiar quiet returned.  
Why did you invite him there? It had seemed like a good idea at the time, when he was falling apart on the phone, but now… He was way beyond you. You were afraid. Not that he was going to hurt you, although he clearly could, but rather at what his existence meant. It was like the biggest rug pull ever and for some reason you hadn’t wanted to think it was all a dream. For some reason he’d left a sign that it wasn’t.  
For some reason…  
“Why me?” you blurted out.  
“What?”  
“Why is it my sofa you’re on? Why am I the one who’s allowed to know you?”  
“I dunno. You were so serious last night, saying all that stuff”  
“I was drunk”  
“You’re not drunk now”  
Whatever you were going to say caught in your throat. He had a point. You looked at him, at the ridiculousness that was his face. Somehow it already looked normal to you, somehow you’d already adapted to his existence. Which was ridiculous because he was a goddamn giant mutant talking turtle.  
And he was sitting in your living room like… Like he was any other guy.  
You stared at him for a long moment. Too long.  
“How do you exist?”  
Raph gave a wry smile. He’d expected the question, or something of the same meaning, to be asked at some point. He was clearly just a curiosity to you.  
“That’s a long story”  
“Try me”  
“Too long”  
“We’ve got time”  
You stared at him with wide eyes. Hopeful. You readjusted yourself on the sofa, shuffling into a comfortable position and waiting expectantly.  
Raph sighed, resigning himself.  
“We weren’t always like this, my brothers an’ me…”  
He began with that and went from there. He told you everything, and I mean everything. From how he and his brothers were normal turtles, to what happened to change them. About how he was raised and where, by who etc. He told you about his brothers, their strengths, the things about them that annoyed him. He recounted how they learnt ninjitsu, how they used it to save the city. You learnt about the rifts in the family, how he was always fighting with them.  
It was like once he started, he couldn’t stop. He talked for hours and you didn’t care a bit because everything he said was amazing and everything he said explained him a little bit more. Your world was shifting back into place, back in the realms of understanding but still so incredible.  
You didn’t get your turn to talk. The sun was threatening to rise and he had to go. He apologised for talking too long, you assured him you had loved every second and were just grateful he got a chance to open up to someone.  
You didn’t expect to see him again.  
He’d cemented his place in your memory and that was really all both of you had wanted.  
Only he stopped at the window, turning back, looking far more reserved than someone who had just told you his entire life story had any right to be.  
“Can I come back?”  
You blinked. A thousand possible futures where this wasn’t the last you saw of him slipped by.  
“When?”  
“Soon”  
“My fridge is full of food that’s about to go off, someone’s gotta help me eat it”  
“So?”  
He looked terrified. And hopeful.  
“Same time tomorrow? I’ll cook”  
He cracked a smile.  
“I’ll peel veg”  
“Deal”


	4. Tell Me About Yourself

He came back which, in itself, wasn’t all that amazing, considering you had invited him. But it meant something, it had to. He was over at your place to hang out and have dinner, just the two of you, for the second day in a row. You don’t do that with just an acquaintance. So Raph was… Your friend? Yeah? I mean, the alternative was that you were dating and that was just not worth thinking about so, yeah, Raph was your friend.  
You were less alarmed when he showed up at your window this time, letting him in quickly and watching him clamber through the window with slightly more grace than yesterday’s attempt.  
“Hi” you said, and manage to sound somewhat casual about it.  
“Hey” he replied, sounding almost comfortable with the current situation.  
“How are you?”  
He smiled. “Better now that I’m here”  
You didn’t know how on earth to feel about that, so you settled with pleased. “Yeah?”  
“Yeah, things feel kinda tense at home today, I’d much rather be here”  
“Did something happen?”  
“Nothing that wasn’t my own fault”  
“You wanna talk about it?”  
He smiled again, wider now. “Not particularly. Besides, I did all the talking yesterday. If I tell you one more thing about myself I think I’ll have to start paying you as a therapist”  
You smiled in return. “Well I could always do with the cash”  
“Sorry, but I don’t have a stable source of revenue”  
“You could always take to mugging muggers”  
You started heading towards the kitchen, Raph in tow.  
“Interesting… But how could I deal with the fact that everything they’ve got is probably stolen?”  
“Ooh a moral dilemma. On the one hand, you could never know who the stuff belonged to, but on the other hand it seems immoral for the thieves to keep it”  
You were both kidding, but the awkwardness had dissipated, leaving behind it a relaxed atmosphere. You pressed a vegetable peeler into his hand and nodded towards a heap of food already waiting for him, taking up a knife yourself.  
“So,” Raph began, “tell me about yourself”  
“What?”  
“Well you know all about me now, seems only fair you return the favour”  
“There’s not really a lot to tell”  
“Oh, come on, don’t give me that bullshit”  
“What? It’s not-”  
“You’re your own unique person, Y/N. You’ve got a story. And even if it’s the most boring, generic story ever in your head, it’s at the point of you cooking dinner with a giant turtle, so it can’t be that bad. And I’m asking, so tell me”  
Your mouth opened and closed like a fish for a few moments. “Fine”  
So, you told him. From birth, through childhood, all the way up to that moment a few evenings ago when he’d found you drunk and getting mugged.  
“Which, at the time, felt like a pretty low point. But I guess it brought you to me, so that can’t be all bad”  
Raph, leaning back in one of the dining chairs and looking slightly too large, gave you one of his charming smiles. The ones that weren’t a smirk or clearly concealing a secret laugh, one of the proper smiles that seemed full of affection, even though you barely knew each other. You treasured those smiles.  
Although maybe they showed the right amount of affection, because to be honest you knew each other really rather well at this stage.  
“To be fair, I think you can thank yourself for that. I sort of had to step in, you weren’t exactly in a state to be defending yourself”  
You decided to laugh rather than be embarrassed, which probably showed how comfortable you already were with him. “Not that I could have taken them all on sober. One, maybe. Not three”  
He smirked. “You think you could even take one of them?”  
“I do, yes. But I take it from your face you don’t agree”  
“Let’s just say I’m respectfully skeptical”  
“Well we can’t all take on a fight with the ease of being a giant half-turtle half-muscle mutant”  
“I’m flattered”  
“Hmm”  
That smile which meant he was laughing at you was back, but you found you didn’t really mind. He looked good when he was smiling, whatever it was which made him do it.  
“I could teach you”  
“What?”  
“How to fight. I could teach you”  
“Yeah?”  
“Sure, get up”  
“What, now?”  
He was already out of his chair. You were always surprised at how swiftly and easily he could move for someone with so much bulk. You were also surprised that you were already thinking about him with the word ‘always’ like this wasn’t only the 2nd time you’d spent any kind of real time with him. “Up”  
With a show of mock reluctance, you hauled yourself out of your dining chair, following him to the only vaguely open piece of floor in your place, in front of the TV. Raph was shoving your television stand away, creating a bigger space and getting your telly out of harm’s way.  
“Alright, let’s see what we’re working with” he said, taking a stance in front of you. “Punch me”  
“Excuse me”  
“Come on, punch me”  
You gave a half-hearted swing. He didn’t even blink. “Come on, Y/N, you can do better than that”  
You pretended you didn’t feel a small thrill when he said your name.  
“Well to be fair I don’t want to hurt you”  
He glanced down at his large frame. “I think I’ll be ok”  
You gave it your best shot. He didn’t even move.  
“Alright, not bad”  
“Not bad? You looked like a fly was hitting you!”  
“Yeah but to be fair I’m used to being punched”  
It hurt a little to hear him say something so sad so casually.  
“Alright then, teach me how to knock you down”  
He smiled. “Maybe one day, but for now let’s start with some basic defense techniques, shall we?”

You didn’t like the way your skin tingled where he touched it as he showed you how to hold your body. You laughed to hide how uncomfortable it made you, joking with him until you were tired of defending pretend attacks and he said he should probably go.  
“Well now that I can defend myself, I don’t think I need you” you joked as he headed for the window.  
“I think you’ve still got a way to go before we can say that. Guess you’re not quite rid of me”  
“So, you’ll come back?”  
“If you’ll let me”  
“Course I will”


	5. A Little Thing Called Denial

You’re not allowed to like a giant turtle. That’s just fucking weird.  
Well, I mean, you can LIKE a giant turtle, that’s fine. It had become clear to you, since learning of the existence of such creatures like two weeks ago, that they were just people and as such liking one as, like, a friend was absolutely fine. Frankly, after they’d saved your ass and been so open and honest and just generally wonderful, it was to be expected.  
But to like like a giant turtle? That was just so wrong and not possible that it wasn’t even worth considering so no, now that you thought about it, you absolutely did not like like Raphael. He was a good guy and you had fun with him, sure. He was, in fact, already one of your closest friends and you hoped he would stay so. But you didn’t want anything more than that. No, you absolutely didn’t, so what was the point in even having this conversation? The one you were having unprompted. With yourself.

And besides! Friendship and romance are pretty similar in terms of getting to know each other, which was probably why your sorry single ass was insisting on considering the latter instead of accepting the former. Raphael was your friend. A good, steady, close friend.

Not to knock the guy, of course. He was very attractive! Well, y’know, for a giant, talking, bipedal turtle.

NO. You had to stop this! It was just… wrong!  
You weren’t attracted to him so there was no point considering the possibility of what would happen if you, hypothetically, were.  
Which you weren’t.  
Because he was a turtle.  
A turtle whose arms had felt so safe and secure that first night…

Raphael was not gay.  
Of course, he had absolutely nothing against anyone who was. Love is love is love is whatever, it didn’t matter to him who anyone else was banging or fantasizing about banging. It just so happened that he was plain old straight.

…ok so maybe he hadn’t actually ever had a real-life crush! But he really hoped this wasn’t what one felt like because he couldn’t stop thinking about you and imagining what he’d say if you were there right now and it was driving him absolutely crazy. But he’d gazed longingly at a few celebrities and characters in his time and all of those were women so there you go, not gay.

…alright yeah he knew that a lot of people who ARE gay grow up thinking they’re straight because society is broken and all that but the point was that he wasn’t one of those people.

…and yeah! He knew it was possible to like women and still like men too, he wasn’t completely ignorant.

He knew all this stuff but the fact of the matter was that Raph was straight. He just was! He always had been. He knew he was! He didn’t know how he knew he just did. Only for some reason he couldn’t stop reaffirming himself of that all the damn time. It had never been a problem before and now it was like he was having to convince himself he was straight even though he KNEW he was so why would he need to keep going over all this stuff if he knew he was and it wasn’t an issue and why – ARGH! He just wished his brain would slow down and back off a minute and let him be.

Not that there was anything wrong with not being straight. His family was all kinds of weird in its own unique ways, there was no way they’d have any issue with it if he was gay. It’s not like they’d had a traditional, strait-laced upbringing anyway.  
Not that it mattered. Because he was straight.  
Right?  
But he wanted to spend more time with you. He burned to know you better. He just wanted to be around you. Because you were his friend. Because he was sick of hiding and he liked being with someone he could be himself with.  
That’s all.


	6. Grey

Seeing him was the only thing that mattered after a while. He came over whenever he could, half the time it was unannounced, or at least only announced a few minutes before he was there, and frankly you didn’t care because whenever you saw him at your window you grinned so hard you swear you broke your damn jaw, and then he normally pulled some stupid face and you were spluttering with laughter before he was even through the window.  
Because he was funny and sweet in a gruff, reluctant way and when you were with him you sort of forgot how hard you were trying to look like a functional human being. God why couldn’t more people be like him.  
Thinking about him, planning what you’d do when next you saw him, it became a sort of obsession. You liked spending time with him, you loved spending time with him.  
Hell, you even smiled like an idiot when he was there.

“What’s up with you?” Raph asked, not even looking away from the film on the TV.  
“What?”  
“You’re grinning like an idiot”  
Oh crap, you’d been doing it again. And, of course he’d noticed.  
“I was not grinning like an idiot. I was laughing at the film”  
Raph looked from you to the film and back at you. “They’re running away from a guy trying to kill them”  
You decided not to say anything else. Continuing in the lie would only make things worse and admitting the truth would make you look foolish.  
Your embarrassment had you staring intently at the television, all too conscious of the fact that if you looked at him you probably couldn’t control your expressions. Which was exactly why you didn’t notice the smile that spread across Raph’s face when he glanced at you.

It was easier to control yourself when he was training you. You were so focused on remembering what he told you that you didn’t have time to dwell on the way he never looked more relaxed and happy than he did in those moments, teaching you the skills he’d grown up on, watching you improve. His touches still burned your skin, though you tended to ignore the tingles that spread from every spot where his skin had met yours and filed that sensation under ‘let’s not process that’ because the implications were too world-shattering to comprehend.

And then suddenly he stopped coming. He didn’t show up at your window unannounced and for a few days that was fine. But then excuses met your invitations and, sure, maybe they were legitimate and he just genuinely couldn’t come ‘round this week but after weeks of seeing him all the time the sudden absence was jarring. So, you didn’t send any more invitations because, frankly, the rejection hurt more than his not showing up and after while he was bound to run out of excuses and just say no. You couldn’t face that.  
He was still texting you like normal, still chatting about this and that, but he took longer to respond and even when he did text back there wasn’t any real enthusiasm. So, you stopped texting him, too.  
It had only been a week and a half. But a week and a half is a very long time when one person is all you can think about. You missed him more than you thought possible. Your apartment felt very empty and very quiet, but watching films just reminded you of all the ones you’d wanted to show him and when you tried to practice your self-defence that just made his absence so much more obvious. So, you stopped that too.  
And the world was grey without him.

Maybe it was always like this. Maybe this was just how life was before him.  
It was unremarkable.  
You hated it.  
You missed him.  
‘Come back’ you texted. ‘I miss you.’


	7. A Tap At The Window

Your apartment was silent. It had been that way for almost two weeks and it was starting to become painful. No matter what you did to fill the space the moments of quiet were far too frequent and far too obvious and had it always been like this? Had your life always been so quiet and empty and you just hadn’t noticed because you didn’t know there was supposed to be someone else there. And then there was a tap at the window. Tentative, quiet, easy to miss or ignore but it was a noise among the quiet and you jumped at the sound, yanking back the curtain in a frenzy of hope.  
He was there. He was back. At your window, standing in the slight mist of rain and looking like he might leave if you weren’t fast enough. You fumbled at the window, fingers trembling and taking far too long to do the simple task but you were beyond thought because Raphael was back at your window and nothing could get you to him fast enough.  
When the window finally opened you basically dragged him in and fuck propriety and fuck not making a scene and, honestly, fuck being cool and macho because you might very well be falling in love with this person and all you wanted in that moment was to touch him. You fell into his arms, only it wasn’t as romantic as that sounds, it was far more desperate and kinda messy and maybe if it was anyone else the force of it would have made them stagger but Raph was as solid as he always was.  
“You’re here” was all you could choke out.  
“Yeah. I… I’m here. Y/N, I’m sorry about… well”  
“Oh for fuck sakes, Raph. Look, all I’ve done for two fucking weeks is wonder and think and I’m sick of it so I’m not gonna ask you where you’ve been and I’m not even gonna bother being mad but just please, please tell me you’re into guys”  
He seemed to falter, mind clearly working very fast and you were scared you’d completely blown it within a minute of him coming back to you and you just wished you were strong enough to stop him leaving if he tried.  
“Tell me you’re into giant mutant turtles”  
It was your turn to falter, to wonder whether or not any of this was a good idea and if maybe you’d be better off running away right now and never daring to try.  
But you couldn’t. Because this was Raphael. This wasn’t just the abstract concept of being attracted to a mutant turtle this was Raphael, the wonderful, amazing guy you wanted to spend all of your time with, standing in front of you and waiting for an answer.  
“I’m into this one”  
“Yeah?”  
“I won’t say it’s easy to get my head around, but the truth is I’m crazy about you”  
He didn’t say anything for just a little too long. You had to break the pause. “Are you…?”  
“I’m not gay”  
Your heart shriveled and died then and there.  
“I don’t really know what I am anymore. I always knew I was straight but now… I just don’t know what to think or feel or do. Does that make any sense?”  
This you could understand.  
“It’s a battle between your head and your heart. The world tells you you’re supposed to be straight and it’s up to you to say if its otherwise. There’s a lot of programmed thinking to undo. But, Raph, you don’t have to know what you are, you don’t even need to have a vague idea, you just need to be able to let yourself question”  
He looked at you and you wished you knew what he was thinking, wished you could unravel the clearly very complex messes of thought going through his brain. But it wasn’t your place. He had to make the next move, decide what he’d do with your little speech.  
“Y/N”  
“Raph”  
“I don’t think I’m straight”  
Your heart was suddenly alive again and beating far too fast entirely. You couldn’t have fought back your hopeful smile if you’d tried.  
“Welcome to the club”


	8. What If?

Meeting him had changed absolutely everything. Which wasn’t fair. Because how come you got to live like this? How come you got to live in this incredible world when no one else did? Somehow that didn’t seem fair on all the other people who were drifting through their lives with no idea just how remarkable life could be. Of course, that didn’t mean it was exactly simple being with someone as, shall we say, unique as Raph, but it was wonderful nonetheless and still seemed bizarre that no one else knew.  
Not that it mattered really, because at least it was you dangling your feet over the edge of a building and sharing a foot-long sandwich with Raphael.  
He was yours and it was a dream. Not real.  
You wolfed down the last bite of your half of the sub, watching as the streetlamps turned on as the sun disappeared.  
“Do your brothers know yet?” you asked out of the blue.  
Raph was licking the grease from his fingers. “What?”  
“That you’re not straight?”  
“Ah. No, they’ve got no idea”  
“Why not? I mean, you don’t have to tell them, of course. I just…”, you trailed off, worried he might think you were prying. Raph reassured you with a smile. He knew what you were trying to say.  
“I dunno,” he said, “I just… I’m scared, I think. Like, what if…?  
“’What if’ what?”  
He shrugged. “What if”  
You got it.  
What if they weren’t ok with it? Sometimes people you think should be fine with it are the ones who aren’t. And what if they didn’t believe him? Thought he was lying or just confused or going through a phase. And what if it really was a phase and he ended up going through the whole coming out thing only to be wrong and have to backtrack? Even though he KNEW he wasn’t wrong, he just knew it, the fear that maybe he was still remained, left over from years of thinking he was one way to then realise he wasn’t.  
What if it made anything change?  
“I get it. I won’t rush you. I was just curious”  
Because he wasn’t going to rush you to tell the people in your life that you were dating a giant turtle.


	9. I Have A Plan

“I have a plan” Raph declared as he clambered through your window having let himself in.  
“Oh?” you were never surprised by his sudden appearances anymore. He righted himself, now fully on the inside, and covered the couple of paces (couple of his paces, anyway) to place a quick peck on your lips in greeting before launching back into what he was saying.  
“So, I’m not gonna come out to my family”  
“Oh”, you deflated a little. You’d support whatever Raph decided, of course, it was his decision and he knew his own situation best, but… It still sort of hurt to think you couldn’t be part of the other side of his life.  
“Oh don’t look at me like that, let me explain” Raph said, throwing himself down next to you. You put your phone down.  
“Go on then”  
“So, I’m not coming out because really I shouldn’t have to”  
“I mean, you’re not wrong. But it doesn’t really work like that I’m afraid”  
“I’m gonna make it work like that”  
“So what, like, are you just not gonna tell them you’re queer? Like ever?”  
Queer was the term you and he had settled on using until he’d figured out if he preferred a different label.  
“I’m gonna tell them about you, don’t look so serious. Of course I am”, he prodded your side playfully and you realised you’d been frowning.  
“Wait, I’m confused”  
“Well I’m just gonna tell them I’ve got a boyfriend as easy as if I said I had a girlfriend.”  
“So, like, come out by not coming out?”  
“Yeah, exactly. Like I said, I shouldn’t have to come out. It’s none of their business who I think’s hot”  
“What a beautiful summary of the complex sentiment you are trying to convey”  
“Thanks. So, what do you think?”  
“What do I think?”  
“Do you think it’s a good plan?”  
There were nerves tugging at the edge of his voice.  
“Yeah, course I do. I love it. Do away with all the coming out shit, we don’t need it.”  
“Exactly!”  
“When are you think of doing it?”  
“Was thinking tonight”  
“Shit, tonight?!”  
You regretted the reaction as soon as it was out of your mouth and you saw the doubt in his face.  
“You don’t think I should do it”  
“What, no, of course I do”  
“I didn’t see the point in waiting and making it a whole thing. But you clearly think I’m rushing, so…”  
“No, absolutely not. As long as you feel ready then it’s the perfect time. It’s just a little sudden is all”  
“Yeah, well… Ever since I figured I wasn’t straight I’ve kinda felt like I had this big secret. And it’s not like I haven’t kept anything from them before, but this just sort of feels wrong. Like I’m hiding who I am when I just wanna be me, cause since I met you I’ve felt more me than I ever was before. I just don’t want to hide it.”  
“That’s more than fair. Do you want me there?”  
“Nah, I think it’ll be easier for the guys if you’re not”  
“This isn’t about them. I don’t mind”  
You were being pulled into huge arms before you could do anything else and Raph was squeezing you in a hug that was just about not too tight. “You’re too much and I don’t deserve you. But it’s ok, I just don’t wanna, y’know, overwhelm them”  
You wriggled free of his embrace. “I guess that makes sense. If you’re sure?”  
“Yeah, I am. Thank you, though”  
“No problem. Go dazzle them. Do you want to borrow my pride flag? Run in all covered in rainbows”  
You cracked a grin. He made a face of disgust. “I don’t think that’s really my style. Like, at all”  
“I think you could pull it off”


	10. Coming Out

Raphael shouldn’t have been scared; he knew this. He knew his family, knew they were accepting of, well, everything. Sort of had to be when you were what they were.  
But for some reason he was getting more and more anxious as the day went on.  
He’d been fine at Y/N’s, confident of his decision and distracted from any worrying thoughts by the constant flow of easy conversation between them.  
But now he couldn’t help but think. Think ‘what if’.  
What ifs haunted him.  
He wasn’t backing down though. He was gonna do this because honestly he shouldn’t even have to so why should he let it be a whole ‘thing’. And, really, he had to remember who he was doing this for. Himself, sure, but also Y/N. He wanted his boyfriend to actually be a part of his whole life, wanted to be able to spend time together at his home. And he wanted to talk about him to the others, wanted them to know about this person who he thought was the kindest, funniest, most charming and most wonderful person he could think of. He wanted them to know that he’d actually found someone who made him happy. But more than all of it, he could see the look on your face whenever the two of you spoke about his family. They were just a story to you, some people who had adventures and swept Raph away, existing entirely apart. He wanted you to meet them, wanted to show how proud he was of you, wanted you to feel welcomed.  
So he had to do this.

He felt off the whole evening at home. Not that anyone really noticed. He slunk in after a few hours at yours and hid in his room for a while, emerging and putting on a blank expression throughout dinner, grumbling replies when someone spoke to him and muttering comments when the conversation piqued his interest. He looked just as grumpy as ever.

He waited for a lull in conversation, seeking his chance and trying not to bottle it at the last second.

“So, there’s someone I want you guys to meet”  
The others stared. “You know someone?” Donnie asked. The surprise was fair, how the hell would any of them make a friend.  
“Yeah, rescued him from some muggers a while ago. He was pretty grateful and we’ve grown pretty close”  
“What’s his name?” Leo asked, immediately wary, He never turned off, Raph thought to himself.  
“Y/N”  
“Is that that drunk guy with the bust ankle?” Donnie asked, vaguely remembering.  
“Yeah”  
“Have you two been going out without us?”, Mikey seemed horrified at the thought.  
“Raph called me in the middle of the night, the guy had hurt his foot and couldn’t walk home”  
“Raph! I thought I’d made it clear no one was to-”  
Raph was starting to panic a bit, this was not how this was supposed to go.  
“I wasn’t looking for trouble, I just went for a walk. I couldn’t exactly look away”  
“But still-”  
“Leo, it’s ok.” Donnie stepped in. Leo had the good grace to shut his mouth.  
“So, you must be close then,” Mikey said, mercifully trying to bring the conversation back on track. Raph leapt on the chance given.  
“Yeah, yeah I really like him. Actually, he’s uh… Well.. He’s my boyfriend”  
The room froze. Raph had no idea how long for, it was probably only a few seconds, but to him it felt like a lifetime. All of those ‘what ifs’ came flooding in and he completely forgot how to breathe, or even think. He looked down at his hands but the eyes continued to bore into him.  
After all of his worrying somehow he’d still believed deep down that it would all be ok, that they wouldn’t care at all. Had he really been so naïve? If people reacted like it was nothing then coming out wouldn’t be a whole thing, so of course they –   
“I didn’t know you were gay dude”  
Mikey saved it. He didn’t sound like he was judging, like he thought this was anything other than a mere curiosity that he hadn’t known. Raph let out a breath.  
“I’m not, I’m just not straight”  
“And somehow you, of all people, convinced someone to go out with you”, Leo said through a smile.  
“Actually, he asked me”  
“Statistically unlikely” Donnie declared.  
“Oi, at least I have someone, unlike you saddos”  
And that was it. The conversation moved on to his relationship, to what you were like etc.

He rang you that evening.  
“So, how’d it go?”  
“Well hello to you, too”  
“Raph”  
“It went about as well as I could have hoped”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah. They were more surprised I had a partner than by what gender you are”  
“That’s brilliant!”  
Raph’s grin was evident even through his voice. “Yeah. See, told you it wouldn’t have to be a thing”  
“You didn’t need the pride flag, then”  
“I’ve told you, babe, I am NOT wearing a pride flag”  
“We’ll see, I’ll work on it”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! I had to rush this one a little bit because it's my birthday and, traditionally, I always update on my birthday but I didn't even have this started. Got it done though and I hope it hasn't suffered from being rushed!


	11. Meeting Him Changed The World

There’s a feeling, a sort of bubbly, tense, ready-to-run feeling which perfectly toes the line between nervousness and excitement. You’re poised, ready for action, either to get you there faster or to run away back to somewhere safe. Your stomach is tight and you tremble a little. It’s not always clear which you’re feeling.  
That’s where you existed as you waited for Raph to come to your apartment. The feeling lifted a little when you saw his face. This was a good thing, you told yourself.  
You couldn’t shake it, though, and as you were led underneath the city you seriously considered just running away. Raph’s hand in yours might have been the only thing that stopped you.  
But knowing one giant mutant turtle was quite revolutionary enough. Being in a committed, loving, happy, same-sex relationship with that turtle was ground-breaking on oh so many levels.  
Meeting said giant, mutant, ninja, queer turtle’s three brothers was maybe a step too far.  
“Calm down, babe, it’s gonna be fine”  
“What?”  
You looked up at Raph, who was smiling fondly. “You look like a scared little mouse. It’s gonna be fine, they’re just my brothers. You’ve got nothing to worry about”  
“Mhmm”  
You could only offer the vague noise in the affirmative, not 100% sure what exactly you were so on edge about.  
“Look they’re probably more freaked out about you than you are about them”  
“Isn’t that what you say to people about spiders?”  
Raph shrugged.

He was right, though. His brothers were definitely more freaked out than you. Where you couldn’t work out if you were nervous or excited the other turtles were just plain stressed. It wasn’t often they had guests and when they did it was pretty much always April. They had never considered they might have to actually host the partner of one of them, let alone Raph, and oh my goodness what the hell do people even eat? Drink? Would pizza and orange soda be ok? Would they have anything to talk about? What if somehow between the three of them they managed to freak out the guy so completely that he not only never wanted to see them again but didn’t want to see Raph, either? An unlikely scenario, Donnie pointed out when Leo brought it up while frantically cleaning the lair.  
“It’s not impossible, though”  
Donnie conceded. “No, not impossible. Y/N’s seen Raph though, and he’s probably the scariest looking of all of us”  
“He’s definitely the scariest of all of us” Mikey tuned in from across the room.  
“Exactly. And Y/N actively likes him”  
“That’s the point, I don’t want to mess things up and ruin what has to be the unlikeliest relationship in history. Raph actually seems really happy about this guy and this is a big moment”  
“You’ve gotta calm down, guys. It’s gonna be fine” Mikey said, now hanging upside down off the sofa.  
“Mikey, they’re gonna be here any minute, get up”  
“Shall we roll out the red carpet, too?” Mikey asked, although he did sit himself the right way up.  
“Well I won’t say no” Raph said. The others jumped and turned towards the entrance to the room where Raph was standing, you at his side. They stared in horror for a moment with the realisation your introduction to them had been their bickering.  
Raph’s shoulders squared a little in annoyance. This was not how he had wanted you to meet his siblings; bickering and surrounded by an ever-so-nearly clean lair with upside-down sofa cushions and a skateboard slowly rolling across the floor in the background.  
You laughed. This was exactly how you’d wanted to meet them.  
You took in their startled looks with amusement, looking up at Raph with a slight smile, who smiled back, deciding if you weren’t mad then maybe he wasn’t either.  
“Nah, I think a red carpet would’ve been a bit much. Could have done some entrance music and a spotlight though”  
They blinked at you.  
“We’re joking guys, lighten up” Raph said with a grin, snaking an arm around your waist. “Everyone, this is Y/N. Y/N, this is everyone”

“I love you”  
“Huh?”  
You were tired, having been at Raph’s all night before coming home and crashing on the sofa with your boyfriend. You weren’t entirely sure you’d heard him correctly.  
Raph laughed. “Y’know, I’ve not done this before, but I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to say something more than ‘huh’ when someone confesses they’re in love with you”  
You blinked at him. “I don’t understand”  
“I’m in love with you, Y/N. I think I have been for a while now. And you don’t need to say it back or anything, just know that I never thought I’d find someone to love. Like at all, guy, gal or anything in between. But the night I found you, pissed off your face in the street with no money or phone battery was absolutely the best night of my life. And I know chances are you won’t stick around cause, I mean, I’m like this, but for now you’re right here and it’s all I need. Cause I love you.”  
You blinked again, still trying to process.  
He smirked. “You gonna say something any time soon?”  
“You think I’m not gonna stick around?”  
“What? That’s what you took from that?”  
“You’re the love of my life and you think I’d piss off for something as stupid as normality?”  
“Wait, I’m the love of your life?”  
“Of course you are, you big idiot. I love you too, I love you so damn much, you are without a doubt the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m not going anywhere. Ever. Clear?”  
It was his turn to blink at you. “You love me too?”  
“Oh come here”  
You grabbed the edge of his shell and dragged him towards you, kissing him until you needed to pull away for breath. “You’re nice” you murmured, smiling.  
“That’s what you said when we met”  
“It is”  
“How the shell do you remember that? You were hammered”  
“It was the night I met you, I remember everything”  
“You have no idea what you do to me”  
He kissed you again and turned the TV on, letting you settle down pressed against him. Your eyes started to close of their own accord after a while and you found yourself only semi-aware of what was happening as the TV shut off and strong arms made their way underneath you, hauling your body into Raph’s grasp as he carried you towards your bedroom. The fact that the arms carrying you to bed were reptilian made no difference to you, nor did the feeling of a hard shell rather than soft flesh next to you in bed. You slipped into sleep, safe in the knowledge he was right next to you.

Like I said, meeting him changed the world. Because before him you had no idea how it might feel to be quite so happy. You felt more like you. He felt more like him. This was the world you knew, and who cared if anyone else knew it could be like this?  
This was your reality. Full of colour and life.  
Real and extraordinary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the eternity between posting this and the previous chapter. I was stuck on a chapter I was trying to write but which I ended up dropping and sorta shoving into here. Plus I was busy finishing up my uni degree. However, what with the current situation, uni is closed and I have less work to do so I finally made myself sit down and finish.  
> Hope you enjoyed reading! I very much enjoyed writing this!  
> Stay safe everyone!


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